Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Miss Jean Louis: Queen, Advisor, Orca Jockey Extraordinaire

It is once again the time of year when the world gets measurably weirder, courtesy of Gishwhes. Many will be aware of the Hunt's grand master, Misha Collins, but what of the elusive Queen of Gishwhes, Miss Jean Louis?

Born 28th July 1887, in a hut in Khor Angar, she was brought into the world kicking and screaming and claims, "and that is how I shall leave." At an early age found her dreams haunted by images of large, black and white creatures, gliding through a distant ocean, their large teeth glinting in the sunlight. She realised that the only way to rid herself of these visions would be to find the creatures, and become one with them and so, at the tender age of just 3½, she boarded a cargo plane at the town's airstrip and flew off to seek the creatures of her dreams.

Several weeks and multiple modes of transport later, Miss Jean Louis found herself on Vancouver Island, standing on the shore of the Robson Bight Ecologial Reserve. Before her in the water frolicked the creatures of which she dreamed and which she now knew the name of: orca.

Over the coming months and years, Miss Jean Louis lived alongside the orca, who, unusually for such a large and carnivorous species, accepted her as one of her own - as testament indeed to her good character. She would spend hours in the water with the pod, who allowed her to ride on their backs as they went about their business, playing, bickering and chowing down on the epic amounts of salmon surrounding them. She quickly realised that the constant presence of water in the orca's preferred habitat made clothes an impracticality and many locals still fondly recall seeing her, naked, riding on an orca's back.

Sadly, her duties as Misha's advisor (baby-sitter) have forced Miss Jean Louis to leave her cetacean chums and occasionally wear clothing, but she still returns to Vancouver Island every holiday to once more ride nude on the orca.

Monday, January 25, 2016

Some General Advice

As I will shortly be heading off on an adventure, I've been looking back through the journal I kept while interrailing with two friends almost five years ago. I found this list on one of the front pages.

  • Always take gaffa tape. Not matter how your friends scoff, they’ll end up using it.
  • Don’t worry about getting a penknife through security. As long as your friend has cutlery, they won’t notice you.
  • Never conduct German lessons on the metro.
  • Always read the instructions for cooking pasta.
  • Gits are far superior to gîtes.
  • Always look at the ceilings in art galleries.
  • If you meet a Mexican on the train, just say no.
  • ALWAYS check the location of your hostel first.
  • Always climb things. You might be amazed.
  • Always take a lighter to the opera.
  • If someone asks to take pictures of your toes, SAY NO.
  • Don’t draw pictures of hedgehogs next to information that you might need to show people.
  • Don’t validate your ticket the first time you get on a tram; wait until you have to.
  • Don’t drop your backpack on a nun.
  • Just because it’s pretty, don’t expect it to have running water.
  • Make friends with the hostel cat for an attentive conversation partner.
  • Don’t cheat at rummy unless you want to be penalised.
  • Always take a journal.